Sylvia Plath, author, has famously said that the ‘worst enemy to creativity is self doubt’ and she is so right. How many of you can emphathise with this? I certainly can, because I am the Queen of Self Doubt. It drives Mr H mad. It was Self Doubt that made me wait until I hit the big 40 before I decided to write.
It appears that I am not alone in this particular battle. I have had conversations with my network of writer friends and it is amazing how many of them all suffer with the same afflication as me. It’s nice to be in such good company at least! Doesn’t matter how much validation has been received it appears, but it is the one negative comment that will stay in your brain, lingering and festering away.
I have gotten much better at believing in myself and certainly the support from all of my lovely friends both old and new, plus the fans of my writing has helped me enormously.
But my friends, I’ve decided its time to banish Self Doubt from my life once and for all, not to allow a single more wasted moment on the fecker.
I’m going to do it my way, which is to use pen as my sword and I must confess this exercise has been quite satisfying. This letter I have crafted is my attempt to at least tame his greedy all consuming nature a little.
Dear Self Doubt
It is with regret that I must inform you that your services are no longer required. I know that you have had 42 fruitful years resident in my head, but it is time for early retirement for you.
One cannot argue that you have not done your job very well over the course of my life thus far. You managed to torment me with your negativity for decades with ease. You are without doubt (excuse that pun) the master of all self-doubters.
You took delight in whispering in my ear, ‘Too Tall’ then ‘Too Fat’ and best of all, ‘You? A Writer? Not going to happen!’
With age came wisdom and I realised that I was neither too fat, nor too tall. I was just me and I was happy with that.
But the writing taunts stayed and I couldn’t shift them. So I scurried away, head hung low and buried my creative self.
But then a hero came to town and you didn’t bargain on Mr H did you? For every nasty niggly little insult you threw at me, he had three positive, loving and believable reposts, so much so that with intelligent and loving ease he gallantly battled away those demons until eventually, one day, I believed HIM and in turn believed in ME and a writer was born.
I must confess though, that despite Mr H winning several battles with you, the war is not yet over as apparently you still seem able to find a way to get to me. A few weeks ago I met an old friend I had not seen in over 20 years. What do you do now? She asked me curiously. I’m a stay at home Mum, I replied immediately.
Mr H was cross with me over that. And he was right to be cross. For while I am a mother first always, I am also a writer now too, a life balancing out both roles now carved beautifully.
So why couldn’t I say this out loud to a woman whom I’m sure would have been only happy for me. Why hide that I was a writer – a published author, a playwright, a journalist, but no, I kept it to myself.
Why indeed? Self-Doubt in all its glory that’s why.
So, I know that it is up to me now to finally change my thoughts, so that I can then change my actions. It’s time for Carmel to join Mr H on Team Carmel. So here I am, (in Alan Sugar resplendent cockney voice no less,) pointing my finger at you, yes you Self Doubt you fecker, shouting loudly,
‘Self Doubt, You’re Fired.’
Yours faithfully
Carmel Harrington
This letter will be printed and placed on the wall in my writing room so I don’t forget myself and revert to old habits. Ironically I had a moment of self doubt wondering if I should share that letter, but then I thought, maybe it would resonate with someone else who at this very moment is self doubting themselves and thus help a little. I hope you enjoyed it.
I’ll finish up with these clever words.
As always, thanks for stopping by,
Chat soon,
Carmel x
